my sister texted me telling me that my dad didn’t want to go see magic mike with her because of all the naked men dancing and as an argument he asked my openly gaysister if she would enjoy sitting through a 2 hour movie about naked women dancing
oh and when i was a year old, after i got my foot amputated my parents were pushing me around in a stroller at a street festival in miami and i was chewing on my foot or whatever and this street performer came up to us and was like “aw i bet that tastes good!!” and my dad was like “yeah look at what she did to the other one!!!!” and pulled back the blanket covering my left leg to show a stump with a huge scar on it and i’m pretty sure my dad terrified that poor man
A friend of ours worked in a movie theater. One night, a rowdy little boy decided to kick
over all the stands that held up the red velvet cords.
After several attempt to stop him, she finally declared, “If
you keep kicking those over, your leg will fall off!”
No sooner had she said this than she looked up and was
mortified to notice a man standing on a pair of crutches with one leg.
Before she could apologize, he looked down at the boy and
sighed, “I used to love to kick those.”
It’s worryingly easy to picture a version of Jurassic Park created and run by Cave Johnson from the Portal series instead of John Hammond. It’s one of those situations where the crossover just writes itself.
“Welcome to Jurassic Park. Paleontologists, lawyers, chaoticians–you’re here because we need the best experts in the expert business to sign off on this project, and you’re it. Now, you already met one another on the helicopter ride over, so let me introduce myself. I’m Cave Johnson. I own the place.”
“Now, as you may have heard, we ran into a slight hitch with dinosaur DNA retrieval. The stuff’s full of holes, apparently. No quality control standards in the late Cretaceous. But it’s okay, Cave took care of it. Plugged all the gaps up with frog genes. Worked like a charm. Lab boys told me not to, said I should use reptile or bird DNA instead. But nobody tells me how to do my job! Amphibians are cheaper, and they don’t keep escaping. Mostly.”
“If those programmers think I’m going to pay them more money to make this park safe, they’ve got another thought coming. And that thought is ‘you’re fired,’ and it’s coming directly from me. Science doesn’t need to be safe, anyway. We’re pushing the envelope here. Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”
“I’ve got bad news and good news. Bad news is your scheduled tour of the raptor paddock has been indefinitely postponed due to unforeseen circumstances. Good news is, we are pleased to announce a brand-new, exciting, hands-on way for you to meet our raptor pack. Just pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You’ll know when the tour starts.”
