shamrockjolnes:

It’s worryingly easy to picture a version of Jurassic Park created and run by Cave Johnson from the Portal series instead of John Hammond. It’s one of those situations where the crossover just writes itself.

“Welcome to Jurassic Park. Paleontologists, lawyers, chaoticians–you’re here because we need the best experts in the expert business to sign off on this project, and you’re it. Now, you already met one another on the helicopter ride over, so let me introduce myself. I’m Cave Johnson. I own the place.”

“Now, as you may have heard, we ran into a slight hitch with dinosaur DNA retrieval. The stuff’s full of holes, apparently. No quality control standards in the late Cretaceous. But it’s okay, Cave took care of it. Plugged all the gaps up with frog genes. Worked like a charm. Lab boys told me not to, said I should use reptile or bird DNA instead. But nobody tells me how to do my job! Amphibians are cheaper, and they don’t keep escaping. Mostly.”

“If those programmers think I’m going to pay them more money to make this park safe, they’ve got another thought coming. And that thought is ‘you’re fired,’ and it’s coming directly from me. Science doesn’t need to be safe, anyway. We’re pushing the envelope here. Can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.”

“I’ve got bad news and good news. Bad news is your scheduled tour of the raptor paddock has been indefinitely postponed due to unforeseen circumstances. Good news is, we are pleased to announce a brand-new, exciting, hands-on way for you to meet our raptor pack. Just pick up a rifle and follow the yellow line. You’ll know when the tour starts.”