a-vinlander-skald-and-bearsark:
You trip and fall to your death.
Critical fail, you swallow a knife and it explodes.
“As the assassin foolishly tries to slide down the gravelly side of the mountain, he trips and slits his throat on his knife. He’s dead. Anyone else want to do anything stupid?”
“You somehow determine that the golem is made of bacon.”
"You go to search the body, but manage instead to trigger the bear trap. I’m rolling damage now.”
“You shoot your unconscious bleeding cleric, roll damage. Don’t forget your favored enemy bonus.”
“You fail to notice the pit in front of you as you direct your horse to walk into it.”
“The mugger then proceeds to shoot his friend in the foot”
“the opponent sneezes and accidentally stabs himself to death”
“You try to pick the door, but the door picks you. You’ve been impaled.”
“You let go of the bow instead of its string, and it hits you in the face before falling at your feet.”
me: can i just pretend like i totally meant to do that
//rolls a nat 20 on a bluff check
“Everyone totally saw that but it looked like you completely meant to do that.”“Right. The archer in the tree just shot himself in the foot. With a Longbow. He is now pinned to the tree with a clothyard shaft. Oh look. You’re all next.”
“Despite summoning him, you fail to impress Satan with your plea for new black boots. Instead, he calls you gay, takes the BROWN ones you’re already wearing, and leaves you barefoot.”
“critical fail, you try to pick the lock and failed. As you fail, the pick broke and projectiles itself into your eye, blinding you.”
“As you jab your spear at your enemy, you miss, and hit your ally who was hiding behind you with 1hp… now roll for damage”