CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night. “Aw goddamnit,” said the 35-year-old, adding that he must be a total moron given that trash night happens every Wednesday and that he’s lived in his house seven years. “Now my garbage is just gonna pile up for a whole fucking week. Son of a bitch. I mean, Jesus Christ—what was I thinking?” At press time, Peters had taken some small consolation in the fact he could probably sneak some of the trash into the recycling bin, which will get picked up tomorrow.

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