Yes but there’s one more problem that is missing from the equation.
It’s learning to not be ashamed of caring about other people.
You know that nagging fear you get when you worry about someone, but you don’t want to impose or hurt them, or you’re worried that they’ll react badly and hurt you?
That’s an abusive mindset. This happens because you are telling yourself that YOUR feelings don’t matter. You’re telling yourself it’s wrong to worry about other people, that other people wont listen to you, that other people are going to hurt you, that you can’t trust other people.
Now. Imagine a parent saying these things to their child. A lot of people might agree that this is an abusive, shitty thing to say to your own kid. It’s considered neglect and mental abuse.
So you’re saying these things to yourself, and what’s actually happening is your perception of what an adult is supposed to be is abusing the child in you. Abusing their feelings, their wants, their needs, refusing to care about them. The adult you is telling the child you to be afraid and that they are invalid. That they can’t help anyone and they’ll only make everything worse.
People take this fear different ways, they’ll either abuse themselves with anxiety and project the need for help on to other people by constantly feeling the need to help them and validate themselves through helping other people
Or they could redirect it instead by rejecting their own flaws and hating anyone they see who has those flaws instead. This is also a form of projecting, a way to block off and deny that they are hurt or hurting themselves, while redirecting that abuse on to other people.
Sometimes these two can mingle or switch or combine, everyone takes this differently and it’s on a scale based on how healthy you and your environment are. You can be helpful but out of spite, for example, angry that people aren’t making you feel as valid as you want to be. You could be in a martyr mindset where you feel like you shouldn’t have problems and should focus on everyone else’s problems. Sometimes someone might plain lash out at anyone who reminds them of the things they don’t like about themselves.
There are lots of combinations on this spectrum, it’s not just one side or the other. Someone can have a combination of healthy and unhealthy behaviors conflicting, and this is usually what sparks abuse and self abuse.
Many people have two major figures they rely on in life: a gentle figure that teaches to worry about other people and not be selfish, and a stern figure who teaches that emotions are weak/dangerous/harmful/a burden
Now these come at different levels on a spectrum too, and can mix and match, combine, be multiple people, be instilled by recurring types of people, etc etc. It’s a melting pot really, but all the ingredients are generally similar.
People have far more in common than they realize, but because they’re so busy telling themselves that their own flaws and feelings should be ignored and something to be ashamed of, they’re always too scared to open up to other people who have those VERY same fears.
And sometimes it’s hard to love yourself when you can’t really see yourself, if you’re not sure who you are. A mirror isn’t going to give you insight in to who you are and what people think of you. You can’t assume what people think of you because you only have your own opinion to go by. You’re not a mind reader, you can only have ‘feelings’ that someone might feel some way. This is where loss of communication comes in, because th you abusing yourself is telling you what everyone thinks of you, you don’t actually know what people really think of you, and you’ll miss a lot of things about yourself.
People may like things about you that you weren’t even aware was likeable.
So take some steps to liking yourself.
Think of the things you’re proud of, and if you can’t do that, think of the people you admire or feel jealous of. Jealousy is only an insecure self-hating form of admiration. So change the word ‘jealous’ in to ‘admire’ and admit that you admire that person. Tell them you admire them, you can admit you’re a little jealous BECAUSE you admire what they do. But don’t just say you’re jealous. Make it positive, and they will very likely have a positive reaction.
Switching negative words to positive is also important.
These words all have a spectrum that ranges, mixing, matching, it can be at different levels, but it’s based on unhealthy VS healthy.
Manipulation/Control can become guidance/protection dependant on how healthy someone is with these actions.
Jealousy can become admiration, admiration can become jealousy
Fear can become anger and anger can become fear.
Weak can become strong, strong can become weak.
There is no ‘weak is weak’ ‘strong is strong’.
The world doesn’t work like that. The world constantly shifts and changes. It doesn’t just stay the same on one side all the time, bad things and good things both happen at different times for different reasons and at different levels.
This is how the world is, how we as humans are, how everything functions.
Ask your friends what they think of you, share your worries but don’t try to control them, be honest that you’re scared but also if you’re worried about things like overstepping or being too invasive or overbearing… with the people who are your true friends, you should be able to ask them if it’s okay to talk about certain things, and show that let them know that their opinion of you is actually very important to you.
and it therefor makes them feel important, and they’ll be more likely to show what kind of person they are.
if they react in the way you feared, this is an abusive reaction. It doesn’t mean they are entirely abusers, it means they are probably just as scared of your opinion of them as you are of theirs of you.
Because you both aren’t admitting how important the other person is, how much they impact your lives, how much you worry for them, care for them, think about them, worry about losing them…
it’s okay to admit these feelings.
compliment people
show concern for people when you feel anxiety over them
ask people to be honest about what things they worry about for you
instead of asking “is there anything you don’t like about me?”
you can ask “are you worried about anything I’m doing?”
words and communication are so important
making an effort to find the positive side of a negative word and rephrasing yourself in that way, asking questions with positivity and understanding
this is one way to help boost your own confidence and realize people might admire, care, even understand you more than you ever thought possible.
We don’t tell people our worries.
We don’t realize that they can’t see what we’re seeing. We can’t see ourselves the same way the world sees us, just like we can’t really smell ourselves all too well despite having unique body odors. So speak up, ask questions, try to build confidence and protect yourself with positive words. Positive words will help avoid negative reactions.
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