WASHINGTON—Saying the circumstances of this year’s presidential race made the upgrade necessary, election commissions throughout the country were reportedly working to install new heavy-duty voting machines this week that will allow Americans to physically take out their frustrations on the devices before casting their votes.
According to Premier Election Solutions, the manufacturer of the new Citadel electronic voting machine, each unit features an easy-to-navigate interface, keeps accurate and secure tallies of votes, and is constructed with durable Kevlar buttons, a shatter-resistant Plexiglas screen, and a reinforced titanium housing, ensuring the devices are able to endure sustained blunt force trauma from voters’ fists and elbows as well as repeated puncturing attempts from sharp objects wielded by exasperated citizens.
“These new voting machines were designed specifically with the 2016 election in mind and have been engineered to withstand everything the nation’s voters will bring at them on Election Day,” said company spokesperson Stephen Dunn, who also noted that the units’ Teflon coating makes it easy to wipe down all the sweat and saliva that will accumulate on their surface when they are being repeatedly pummeled in fits of anger. “When 18 months of disgust finally culminate inside the nation’s voting booths, these machines will be able to absorb every punch, kick, and knee drop citizens can dish out while still reliably tabulating totals for all local, state, and national races.”
“Like millions of other Americans, I know that I’ll be ready to unload my pent-up rage next Tuesday,” Dunn added. “And our machines will be ready too.”